The Bardic Chef

Broiled Beholder and Other Dungeon Delicacies

The game came to a complete end.  After a TPK, the other players rage quit, called me some pretty awful names, and the DM is finally able...

Session Recap: Ourbossa - 05: Finale

By 11:15 PM


The game came to a complete end. After a TPK, the other players rage quit, called me some pretty awful names, and the DM is finally able to be at peace and not have to deal with these jerkoffs anymore.
This summary is going to be a little different than the others. 

I hadn’t played in a few weeks. My polymer clay store (SHAMELESS PROMOTION FOR POLYMER CLAY FOOD-THEMED JEWELRY HEREwas completely packed during the Black Friday/early December period, so I was out for a few sessions. One would think that this would be a great time to come up with a “let’s kill Prianna” plan by the players. They had hours and hours of game time to just sit around and plot, and create, and do something to hit me when I was at my weakest. 
Did they do that?

No.No, of course not.

They dicked around and got absolutely nothing of value done for all of those sessions. When I came back, the DM was exhausted with them and was extremely happy to have me there to kick their asses into shape. They hadn’t even improved their camp site, they would spend the entire sessions catching minimal food, gathering minimal water and supplies, fighting anything that the DM sent into their camp, then they’d sit around and talk about their character’s assorted back stories for hours.
I was already pretty done with this game at this point. My time away had turned my loathing of these douchebag players into impatience. I had better things I could be doing with my life than fucking with these guys, and taking the abuse they wanted to lob at me. The entire game felt different when I entered the chat. You could feel the tension in the air, and it rendered everyone silent for many minutes. We awkwardly sipped our drinks, avoided eye contact, etc. I didn’t want to be there, and they didn’t want me there. It was going to be an interesting session.


DM started the game, bless her soul the poor thing wanted to be there less than I did, but there was a desperate need to see this shit through to the end. We needed completion to feel at ease, whatever that completion ended up being.

Suddenly, the group announces today is the day that Prianna is going to die.

The DM looks surprised to hear this. I wasn’t surprised, I had assumed they’d been spending all their time planning her death while I was gone. It was only in that moment I found out that hadn’t been the case, and that they were going to try and wing it today.
Let’s see how this goes.
They take just enough food to last them a one-way trip through the jungle to Prianna’s tree house. I find this odd, don’t they expect to go back for their supplies at least? Evidently not. Okay then.
They set off into the wild jungles, are attacked by a variety of naturally-dwelling things like spiders and giant lizards, and then they make it to the grove of trees. They arrive at a different point than they had before, and instead of finding the hole they cut through the trees last time, they spend like twenty minutes cutting a new hole.
They all succeed at their stealth checks - I was impressed by that, usually at least one of them critically fails in important moments. So they’re sneaking around all the pygmies, being undetected by everything else that’s there. They huddle, and talk out their plan. The DM doesn’t even make me take my headphones off at this point, and they don’t seem to care that I know their plan. I’m good about not crossing out of character knowledge with in character knowledge, and at least these guys respect that about me.
So here’s the plan.

They’re going to sneak up.
The one she’d seduced and gotten to her side, the fighter, would go up and seduce her.
They have
get this
a poisoned knife.
He will stab her with poisoned knife.


For those who haven’t seen the previous posts on the subject, this is how they tried to kill her the first time, in exact detail. Oh no, they exclaim, it’ll work this time because the last guy who tried to do it (who ragequit soon after his character died) was just an idiot. Now they have smart people doing it. It’ll work out great. Prianna will be dead within the hour.
Well, first they have to find her.

They split the party up into groups. There’s only a couple of them left, so it ended up being… one per group. They kept insisting it was groups too, which is the only reason I bring it up. It irked me in a really dumb way. One went into the tree itself to find Prianna, one hid by the entrance way to make sure the undead gorilla wasn’t summoned for any reason, and the other went to try and get inside the tree house at it’s base door, to loot for treasure they discovered awhile back. I couldn’t understand why they were splitting everyone up in a place that only brought them death and destruction.
Prianna was at the top of the tree with her husband. It would take about fifteen turns for the fighter to get up there, because he didn’t know how to work the magic teleporters. He said okay, and started the trek up. The one looting for treasure forgot where the door was, and had to go hunting for it. The one by the entrance way…
Well, after four turns, he “got bored”, and shot one of the pygmies.


 It only barely chipped the pygmy’s HP, as he rolled a one on damage, so instantly the entire group of pygmies freeze, look at him, and then lunge. Evil undead gorilla wakes up, one looking for the door critically fails his stealth check, and gets caught by him. Essentially everyone, after a couple of turns, is caught and brought to the base of the tree as prisoners.
Prianna descends the staircase with her necromancer husband.
She doesn’t look pleased.
Much the same way I don’t look pleased.
I’m actually not going to go into a lot of detail with this, because I want this to be as anti-climatic for you as it was for me. Essentially Prianna went down the line, one at a time, and asked them to be loyal to her, to join her. Most spat in her face, said no, tried to attack her, etc. She would then have the pygmies or her husband battle them, and I passed the DM a note saying to give them extra shots to save themselves because I honestly didn’t want it to go out this way. Even with the extra saving throws, the bonuses, etc, they failed and all died. Except for one.
One of them said yes, yes of course I’ll follow you. Then, the second Prianna’s back was turned, he buried the dagger into her back. 
It did 2 points of damage. The player was extremely confused about why there wasn’t bonus poison damage, and the DM pointed out that they never went through the process of poisoning the dagger, they just grabbed a dagger and said “we’ll use a poison dagger on her”. The old poison dagger was still in the tree house here, they never went and retrieved it, something she had reminded them of about three times.
Prianna finished that one off herself in a blaze of viol music and bard spells.
Silence fell over the group. In a huff, they agreed that they were quitting, that tihs game was dumb, and that I was terrible.
The final one left saying: “Fuck you, you fucking lesbo feminazi cunt.”


The DM is going to be taking a break from running games for awhile.

A lot of people (A LOT OF PEOPLE) ask me why I even put up with it for as long as I did. It’s simple: I wanted these guys to think of me every damn time they wrote up a character sheet. Every time they sat at a table with a woman that they’re bent on harassing, I want them to see my face, and remember how I tormented them for their stupidity. I don’t think they’ll ever think it’s wrong to sexually harass a woman at the table, but I think they’ll believe it’s too much of a hassle now, and leave them alone.

Because that’s the thing. I was in this game for months before Prianna turned evil. These guys made constant sexual comments about her, even about me, and would get aggressive or angry when I didn’t respond in kind. Anyone who knows me knows I’m a sexually-charged kinky freak, but I got the nicknames of “virgin”, “Mary”, and “frigid bitch” because I didn’t want to roleplay out sex scenes with them. The DM was harassed too, but in a much different way, made to feel lesser and awful if she didn’t give into their whims. She wrangled them for awhile, but then it just got overwhelming, and soon she was in over her head with these bullies hounding her all the time. A lot of these guys are more popular than she is in our gaming circles, they have more sway, and she’s pretty new to the entire scene, they intimidated her quickly.

I was not going to let these jerks bully me out of a gaming system I loved. They tried. They wanted me out, the wanted me to leave. “IF YOU HATE US SO MUCH, THEN LEAVE”. It’s a comment I hear from a lot of other dickheads who can’t handle a woman standing up to them, trying to defend these dickheads. No, they were told to stop their behavior, they reacted by wearing down the DM (who was nothing but nice to them) with abuse, then trying to lash out any way they could. I was determined to win this battle. The two people left standing would be myself, and the woman who worked so hard at creating this game. No more walking away because the guys forced us out. They would leave.

I have experienced a lot of shit in my life, especially from dumbass conservative white men (grew up in North Carolina in a super religious town). I was ready to take on this battle myself, but a LOT of people aren’t. They would get overwhelmed by that situation, by those awful personalities, and I didn’t want that to continue any longer. The only thing I could think of was to turn the object of their sexual fascinations against them, turn her into a nightmare, and scar them for life.This happens a lot in gaming spaces, guys. A lot. There’s a huge local gaming store not three blocks from where I live, in a huge metropolitan city, and I can’t go in there and play any tabletop or card game without my ass being slapped, someone staring at my boobs the entire day, sexual comments be thrown in only my direction, etc. This dudebro bullshit is out of control. So many people claim that women have more power in gaming spaces now, but I’m only seeing this online, and in certain closed off areas. In the gaming/nerd world as a whole, it’s still pretty bad - and guys, I’m a really fat girl. I can only imagine what the skinny standard-pretty cosplayer women have to put up with by these freaks.I don’t have an answer. I can’t sit here and say “do this and this and women will be safe in gaming spaces”. But I do know that you guys have to quit this bullshit of “IT’S NOT AS BAD AS IT USED TO BE” or “THAT NEVER HAPPENS WHEN I’M AROUND!!!!”. Accept that it happens, and be there to support women who have had it happen to them. 

End of story.

Ourbossa’s DM addition:
Around five years into her time at the island, Prianna’s grown restless. Occasionally ships wash up on shore, but those are quickly made into meals. Prianna is also starting to be haunted by the images of the corpses she’s cooked, as her previous life begins to tug at the corners of her mind.It’s decided that she doesn’t belong here anymore.
In her sleep, her husband casts a powerful spell, depleting the magic they had been storing away for quite some time. When she awakens, she has very little memory of the jungle and seas she once called her home, instead she finds herself surrounded by fog. Cold, dense fog, and thick forests as far as the eye can see, and looming above, a giant, towering castle, wrapped in a shroud of darkness.

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